If you ask me, the Olympics should recognize moisturizer application as a winter sport and allow women to compete internationally. I just can’t decide whether the competition should be based on speed or results. Should the gold go to the woman who can apply the most lotion in the least amount of time, or the woman Continue reading “Cold Weather Sports of Another Kind”
December is here, which means it’s time for familiar holiday traditions—like “stress” and “guilt.”
However, if the holiday season really was stress-and-guilt-free, my guess is that mid-January we’d find ourselves asking, “Did we even celebrate Christmas?”
Of course, it’s possible everything would feel more normal as soon as we got our credit card bill in the mail or discovered Continue reading “It’s Beginning to Feel a Lot Like Christmas”
Christmas shopping can be stressful because it requires finding The Perfect Gift for roughly four dozen family members, intimate friends, business associates, acquaintances and near strangers, not to mention the couple who sends you a fruitcake every year despite the fact that you have no earthly idea where you met Continue reading “Searching for the Perfect Gift this Holiday Season?”
In case you’ve been living on another planet, Richard Dean Anderson created the television character MacGyver in the ‘80s. The first thing you probably noticed about this character was his boyish smile and great hair. After that, it might dawn on you Continue reading “Raise Your Hand if You Used to Have a Crush on MacGyver”
Ever feel down? I mean REALLY down?
A couple months ago I was wrestling with putting on my socks and boots when it dawned on me that one of my socks was too thick for my boot. So I did the only thing that seemed fitting at that moment: I collapsed weeping onto the couch. Continue reading “Giving Depression the Boot”
1. Every body needs chocolate.
2. Chocolate can be bitter, although most of the time it’s sweet.
3. Chocolate is best when shared with a friend.
4. The benefits of chocolate far outweigh the sacrifices.
5. Chocolate means never having to say you’re sorry.
6. Enjoy your chocolate, but if you don’t take a few precautions you may find yourself getting a little thick around the middle.
7. Chocolate changes your body chemistry for the better.
8. Very few people in this world will turn down the gift of chocolate.
9. Chocolate can get very very messy.
10. Even when it’s messy, chocolate is still very very good.
11. Chocolate is habit forming.
12. Sometimes bitter things, covered in chocolate, can be swallowed.
13. Chocolate never goes out of fashion.
14. Chocolate can make things stick together.
15. Chocolate should be savored.
16. Chocolate makes the world go ’round.
17. Chocolate is a great remedy for the blues.
18. Chocolate may change shape under heat and pressure, but it’s still chocolate.
19. Chocolate can make you live longer.
20. Chocolate rocks.
21. There is no substitute for good chocolate.
22. Chocolate is energizing.
23. Chocolate can be really hot.
24. Sometimes chocolate is good therapy.
25. Never take chocolate for granted.
26. You’re never too old to be a connoisseur of fine chocolate.
One day my five-year-old came running in the front door, her face beaming.
“Mom!” Kacie shouted. “I found a treasure!”
She stuck out her fist and, practically bursting at the seams with excitement, began to uncurl her fingers. I expected to see something shiny or uncommon or valuable.
It was the cap of a pen.
Some of Kacie’s other treasures include a jar of plastic spiders and a dehydrated gecko she makes me keep in a Ziploc bag on top of the refrigerator.
They say one woman’s junk is another woman’s treasure. This is particularly true when the second woman is a preschooler.
–From the book Welcome to the Funny Farm by Karen Linamen
Oh sure, I try to stem this mindless urge, but it’s not easy. Every time I fire up my computer, a rumbling murmur somewhere in my head says Feeeed meeee.
Since apparently I’m most creative while shoveling things into my mouth, I figured I should at least try shoveling healthy foods instead of empty calories. One week I tried munching carrots, ice chips and even tofu. But always by mid-afternoon, the Froot Loops were not only calling my name, they’d convinced the Twinkies, cheese puffs and baking chocolate to join the chorus.
Recently I came up with a new strategy, and I think it might be working. I put a beautiful crystal candy bowl next to my computer and filled it with snacks. Not just any snacks, mind you. These are very special snacks—crunchy and flavored like chicken.
The first time I did this, it took me less than an hour to absent-mindedly empty the dish.
Before long, however, the same bowl began taking longer to empty. These days, it lasts almost a week, sometimes longer. What this means is that I’m starting to think about what I’m doing before stuffing things in my mouth. It means my autopilot eating is slowing down.
I figure if I keep this up, one day my mindless nibbling will be completely under control.
This’ll make a lot of people happy. Like my kids, who are tired of hearing me complain about my weight. And my therapist, who supports all (okay, some) of my zany self-improvement schemes. And definitely my dog, Buddy, who looks really confused every time I refill my candy bowl from his box of doggie treats.
–From the book Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight by Karen Linamen
Caterpillars eat pretty much nonstop. The caterpillar of the polyphemus moth is the hungriest, eating up to 86,000 times its own weight. This can be compared to a baby eating 273 tons of food. Or a grown woman pigging out on—don’t roll your eyes, I did the math—60 million, 200 thousand Quarter Pounders.
I’ve yet to stumble across research linking the voracious appetite of the polyphemus caterpillar to emotional eating, but what else could it be? I mean, there she is, stuck in a rut, inching along when what she’d really love to do is shed her baggage and learn to fly. Is it any wonder she drowns her sorrows in Norway Maple leaves and milkweed?